July 2012 – Spencer Heckathorn

Contradictions to consider For some reason, the whole "hard days work" has never really made me a happy camper, left me satisfied, or in any way made me feel like I really have done such. It is a strange thing to think about as I consider that today, accomplishments were nil as far as the traditional "hard days work" would go. I didn't build anything, fix anything, or for that matter even break anything. All I did was talk to a customer and figure out exactly what he needed, and after that spent the rest of the day waiting on some replacement tires. Somehow though I know I will be able to create extra value for my customer from what I have learned today. I know I will be able to meet his needs, and the strange part is I feel like I have done that "hard days work" on a personal level but I know my (or at least I think) that my family would judge me differently. What I am driving at is that I have found I have a greater sense of accomplishment on the days that I have done the hard or challenging mental task, way more than any day I have done the physical labor. It is a strange place to be really. I often, if given the chance, go till I am useless, work nights weekends, whatever, often chasing that sense of accomplishment and never finding it when I labor at the traditional job, going till I literally drop both mentally and physically exhausted, going till the point where my actions and thoughts become useless, but knowing (incorrectly feeling like) if I do one more I will be that much better off. This at times seems great; one more and I will be one more closer to done, but when one more is only one of hundreds of thousands I have really lost more than I have gained. It gets stranger when I look at how things go in my life, the times that things work in such a way that I am to think a higher power has to be watching out for me those around me reject what has happened as seeming to be that I have caused some major error, sabotage by my own doing. And looking back on the strange things work out it would seem that way, no doubt. Honestly, I think I do go about most things very incorrectly, especially if I wanted to fit in, for the most part, I have not been that great at that. Where do I start and where do I finish, too much, a large chunk really, is lost in my meaning here. I could bring up how I have been wronged in the past or how I am wronged now, or I could bring up how I am so damned lucky or how I am still damn lucky. This all started because I am so excited to complete my work that I don't care that I am fully satisfied by only doing 6hrs, 8hrs, or 10hrs, if you gave me the chance I would work 24hrs a day none stop, too bad I can't. I still have a small commitment to my dad for ~20hrs a week, and I have to eat and sleep which for the most part I have found eating and working only leads to problems with sticky and/or greasy keyboards so I make myself stop. So for the most part like tonight, I take my laptop to bed with me and continue to edit pictures and do some writing or code writing. It made me think how odd it is that I can really go longer on "less" (mostly sleep) than if I was doing a "hard day's work" I guess it is true what they say love what you do and you will never work a day in your life..... There really is more to that though. Like why can I find poker so satisfying when I am taking money from people and not creating value in the world, but when I do some of my "hard days work" I really do create value... I think part of that comes from a misconception and it takes a little arrogance on my part to meet the requirements. ...for the most basic and direct conceptual descriptions I would say that for the most part aht wne In I am playing poker I am providing entertainment an that Iam talso think that the money I gathere I think I can put tto better use than the people I take ifrom I also need to assume that when I am doing soething that takes some cstupid perception of doing soe meaningal workds that I am doidnt this in the thought that I am cgoingt o to provide some valeu but that is why I awnat to take over a business I can proveide jobs and that gives meaning to the twork that e time sthtat I am only wokring for a pay check I have live and and all that goes with it I am not creating vale u for eppeople and I am no helping them to get pb etter bor to mpoce ther lives and I am not doing then thenings that I ANWANTO TODO TO MAKE EPLEPLE BETER ANAT WHAT THEY DO AND THIS IWSI WY AI A NAO TONOT LOOKING ATHE KEY BOARD WHN i ATYPE i BET i COUDL TYPE A LOT VASTA ER AI FI Fi HAD NOT AHAD SOME BEETER i AM K89ND=ALALL OF 4TEKK:iLANAi THNATHNLAi BECAISEALLTIL the problem is that I can not type as fast as I can think yet